Loneliness

So today I read the note of a friends pertaining to loneliness and just what it was exactly. To my friend loneliness was described as a state of mind in which you feel alone and unwanted. Now if your just talking about being lonely just for a second, then yes I totally agree with that statement but when your approaching the subject of "Loneliness" well that's when everything begins to change, where your required to look past the surface and see the problem underneath it.

Sure you can have family members that care for and love you, but then you must go underneath surface of love and care. You have to wonder do they understand you, not just love you because your apart of their blood and from their seed. And there are cases when a person is misunderstood inside and out their family. Have you heard of moments in which a mother has said "I only love you because you came from me, not for who or what you are." someone who has this or something in a similar manner said to them are people who fit the example I stated before.

Family only goes so far, after mommy and daddy it's limited to grandma and grand dad unless the family was brought up close together with brother, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins all supporting each other. But does that mean everyone is understood and valued as the person they truly are inside? No. Some people are lonely because they can't find that ONE person who acknowledges them as someone special and gives them a sense of self and purpose, something you can't achieve within the family in most cases. "My life didn't start until I met you" Another quote that attest to this fact or rather example. Loneliness goes farther then just feeling down and alone, and most people don't understand/comprehend that.

To be lonely is to have no one you can turn to. It's holding your burdens, your fears and doubts, deep inside your soul where it eats away at you to the point you feel like breaking down. It's that thing inside that doesn't hurt but feel numb, it's as if nothing can make it better and even though you ignore it and act as if it doesn't exist it's there to greet you at the end of day.

Now there's a few core principles of experiencing loneliness. That is:

1) Feeling alone even when someone is at a social gathering. (School, football game, dance, Club, etc)

2) The loneliness of a single person desperate for emotional intimacy. (Sharing a part of your soul with someone who is there for you and only you. Ex: Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Best friend, brother, sister, mother, etc.)

3) The loneliness of feeling insignificant/worthless when compared to others. (Feeling as if you don't fit in with others in your environment. Feels as if your not apart of the group, etc.)

To decribe Loneliness some would call it the absence of love, lack of love, lack of understanding, etc. But this love does not refer to romantic love or family love, it refers to unconditional love. To describe unconditional it's the love that you recieve from someone where no matter what happens, no matter what is said or done you know they'll be there at the end of the day. There to wipe your tears of your eyes, face your fears and doubts and tell you that they love you whether wrong or right.

The highest state of conditional love is often seen as the love from god, or becoming conscious of your being and life. Often people who are lost within themselves and the things that haunt them turn to religion, god, to solve their problems and banish the dark feelings of loneliness. When their told that god loves them no matter what, that god gives them his forgiveness not matter what sin they may have committed it tells them their not alone and they have someone to turn to that will give them that unconditional love they crave. I'm not saying it's wrong to do this but I am saying that this is a way people escape loneliness. I believe in god and I believe in his love but I do not believe you should use god as a crux in order to fight or hold off your feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness is a disease of the soul. It eats away at your mental bearings and degrades you to something less then what you were. You lose your sense of self worth and you wonder why things just aren't going your way, why is life not looking up for you.

To escape this disease and to find a cure we attempt to seek the cure in places that does more damage then healing. Some turn to sexual gratification(Prostitution, Having babies, Multiple Sex partners), Alcohol, Drugs, Abuse, Religion etc. While having these things offer temporary relief the problem is still there to haunt you.

But in all truth we're just seeking that one person who'd banish all this problems. That one person who can see us for the person we truly are, the one who'll stand by and tell us everything we want to hear. The person that says I care, I love you, I worry about you, I'm here for you, I need you, I'll help you, Rely on me to ease your burdens. We look for that person to not only lead us but to also walk beside us on equal grounds. Some people find this person to be their best friend, others find it in their lover.

Loneliness is something we all face and can't avoid, yet many are ignorant of what it truly is. We let our fears and ignorance get the best of us, we ignore the real problem which may be things from our past or small things we deal with in ordinary life. Instead of confronting the problem we just accept the good and bad as apart of life and make no effort to bring upon a change.

Over the years I've realized this little by litte. I am lonely but I also have friends. I have people I love and I have people who love me. I have people I put before myself, people I'd do anything to see happy even if that means giving up my own happiness. I hold their burdens, their regrets, their problems all on my back, I listen and I do my best to understand and offer help.

I can't expect everyone to see me as the person I believe myself to be. I can't expect everyone to forgive and accept me as the person I am. I can't blame them when they hurt or betray me, intentionally or unintentionally. I can't HATE them for being the person they are since everyone makes mistakes or just sometimes don't realize what their doing. Everyone has burdens causing them to be the person they are and knowing that I can't truly hate them. Knowing that I accept the person they are and love them even though I may not want to.

Now it may sound hypocritical but there will be people you'll dislike, people you'll clash with that you can't help but dislike and hate. And knowing this I suggest you avoid these type of people. Finding friends is hard, learning to trust people is hard and learning to forgive and let go is one of the hardest things you can do as a person. But once you can get your self lined up all the way with the belief that sometimes, things just happen whether good or bad I have to live my life to the best of my capability....well sometimes it helps a lot.

Complaining

I hate it when people try to complain about you complain. There's always someone who wanna say oh you have a small problem but people over here is going through this! But the thing is I don't give a fuck what the people over there is going through, they can complain about their problems to. I mean I know there's worst things going on in the world but don't fucking come down on me as if I don't have the right to feel how I feel.

Shit like that piss me off, I mean let's say I didn't complain about the things in life that pisses me off or just fuck up my day in general; and let's say I kept it all in and said nothing about it, please tell me what would that help. Would it make the people in Haiti's life different? Make them be better off then they are now? Would it go back in time and help the Jews when they were being enslaved, slaughtered and devastated? Would it cross the seas to Africa and assist the men who have to kill their families before being killed themselves?

No.

Now let's go even further. Let's say someone is just complaining about everything, let's say they broke up with their girlfriend, let's say they lost 10 dollars or they fell and hurt their leg. And then they complained about it "Oh I can't believe she's gone" "Damn I have no money I need a job" "Shit my knee is fucked up". After all that looking back on what they said, point out what's bad about the things they've said? To me all I see is them getting the thing that's bothering off their chest in order to pave the way to feeling better.

What if someone has some major shit bothering them but keep it inside since they don't want people to know. What if so many people don't give a fuck about how you feel and telling you that you should get over and be grateful of what you got and grateful your living. Do you think that really helps? Do you think a teenage girl who feels down about herself and constantly throws up to fit a image she can't achieve wanna hear that? Or the one kid who's addicted to drugs since he couldn't stand watching his father beat his mother? Or how about the quiet kid who has bruises hidden up under his hoodie after fighting with his father? I mean the list goes on and when these people hold this shit in their in danger of committing suicide and getting NO help at all.

How do I know? Cause I was in those shoes and I don't give a fuck if people know and I don't give a fuck what people gotta say about it. YES I'M GOING TO FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT IT AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE BITCH STOP ME. Cause right about now I don't give a fuck. I watch my father fight my mom and I watched her cry. I've fought my father several times myself, I've been stomped into ice in the middle of the night and chased down the street to the point my feet bleed. And I worry that when I go off to college the shit might start again only I won't be there for my little brother, sister or mom. I had a aneurysm in my brain and I was worry about dying, suffering from massive migraines in danger of dying any day just from it bursting and I'm grateful ass FUCK that it went away and I was able to get past that. And most people don't know this shit!

And don't think it stop there no my list goes on and yes THERE is people who go through worst but don't come to me talking shit saying that what I went through what I go through and WHAT'S HEADING MY WAY IN THE FUTURE isn't shit when compared to some one else's problem. If you feel that way just get the fuck away from me.

Self Esteem

My self esteem is really low. I have trouble taking jokes. I mean I can fit in and joke around and such but sometimes I just don't be in the mood for all of it. I just don't feel like explaining it all right now I just wanna say I feel down...

Regret

So I told some people some things I really shouldn't have. I have showed some one this blog which I also regret doing. Now I wonder if I should really let out all the things in my heart on this and be 100% truthful when they could be reading this. I don't really know what to do at this point. Life has really seemed to stress me out.

Disappear

Disappear

I try to reach you...
But I can't touch you...
Your so close....
But never here...
You disappear...
Why must you leave...
You are always ready to go...
I know I was never there...
The more I think about it...
There was very little I'd share...
I can feel you here...
But you still disappear...

My Life As It Is

So I decided to blog again today to help pass the time by. Right about now I want to clear the stress on my shoulders reguarding the thing we like to call life. It seems like all the troubles in my life are just hovering above me like a dark storm cloud, randomly shooting out streaks of lighting and letting loose cracks of thunder to aware me of it's ever existing presence in my life. It's like my sanity is slowly slipping away into nothing more but a ever present void.

Lately I've been wondering. Who exactly am I? I think in some areas and ways I've lost my own sense of self where often I become down and confused. I'm no longer the person I once was in certain ways I think I've changed and that in it's self scares me. Before I thought I found myself and I though I understood and knew what I wanted out of life but as the years go by things seem to change. I'm experiencing mental and physical changes where I don't think my mind cannot keep up. I've became taller and stronger thus finally entering my stage of manhood, certain things are more stiff and less flexible, other areas now have tons of hair when it was once smooth all around. Then I have my mind opening itself to things I've once rejected. Where as I once didn't like football now it intrigues me and compels me to want to play it. I'm opening myself to more opportunities that I once let slide by the only thing that hasn't changed much is my social life or at least I feel it hasn't.

Growing up I've aways tended to be bit of a loner. I do not know why but I feel uncomfortable in large social settings such as in school or during a sports meet. I'm able to chat with people I'm comfortable with but other then that I tend to go off to the side by myself and watch everything from a sideline point of view. There's plenty of moments where I've gone and thought, god I wish I could talk to that person. But there's just something inside of me that screams "no" and leaves me continuing to be a social outcast. To be truthful I don't think I'm a complete social reject since I do talk to those around me and have friends in my class mates and team mates. I just don't have a tight nit of friends. I guess I'm scared or nervous to go out and make new friends and start conversations with people I don't since I tend to over think things. I'll worry about being rude or I'll see the person and think "oh she looks upset or they look kinda testy right now." and with that being the case I'll move on and go about my way.

I think in more then one way I'm lonely. I'm not getting my complete fufillment in the relationships I have as of now. I don't feel I really have anyone that I can talk to anything about and be comfortable with it. I have friends sure but most of my good friends aren't really active in my life as of now. My friend Harold is across the state in college, my friend Deante is doing lord knows what preparing for the military, my friend Jocelyn is busy with her own life out in Akron, Te'Asia is still in Warrensville dealing with her new found boyfriend and school while Sam is out in Michigan working while in college and wondering if she really wants to marry the guy she's with. And while all my friends have something going for them I feel like I have nothing which in itself is sad to me.

Usually I try to keep things like this pent inside cause I feel like people really don't care and they have their own problems to worry about. I don't wanna just talk to someone and let this all out since this is my own burden and I'm pretty sure people feel this way time to time when dealing with their own life. Besides I'd find it awkward letting out this part of me that I just realized was there. I've been feeling like this for majority of my life and I've just now seen it for what it was and now attempting to confront it.

So moving on from the social life and relationship setting I have my family life which isn't going to smoothly. The relationship between me and my family members is kinda down and bleh right now. I seriously don't know how to describe it. My mother constantly criticize everything I do and attempts to put me down where at times I just want to get away. This being my senior I'm now looking at college's and deciding what do I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm interested in alot of things but I think I am eventually going to settle for getting a BSN(Bachelor of Science in Nursing) just so I can have a stable job once I graduate and be able to live out on my own. Right now I just wanna make sure I can get out of school with out needing to struggle to get by or depend on anyone.

I don't want to call home asking for money, I want to be able to completely fend for myself. But even if I did need to call home I doubt I'd receive the help I need. See there's also my brother and sister in the picture which complicates things. Me being the oldest I often tend to be pushed aside since I have the siblings growing up and needing things just as much. I try to limit what I ask for seeing as they will need throughout the year as well. To be able to play sports at my new school I find myself in the predictament of needing 175$. I was able to get 30$ from my mom but my dad is like a dry well. Everytime I ask for anything he says he doesn't have it which is odd since he works 24/7. Moving on you have my grandmother who is exactly the same as my father. The relationship between me and my grand mother is extremely strained. There's things I see in her that I just do not like.

When I look at her I see a bitter old black woman who isn't a grandmother at least not to me. I go through most of my years barely seeing her and she lives right around the corner from us city wise. I don't remember at time where my grandmother has said she loves me or any of my other siblings. You would think that as a person grows older they become more family orientated and look for love from their grandchildren and such but with her that is not the case. Or rather she's more family orientated with those from her direct bloodline. She does more for her brother and sisters and their children then she do for me and my own siblings.

If I was to put it in terms I wouldn't say I hate her cause I don't but I would say that I do dislike her in more ways then one. The same applies for my father and his sister but that'd be for another day to blog about. Right at this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to go out and confront everyone seeing as this will physically, emotionally and mentally drain me. Right now I have so many things going on with school work, figuring out my plans for college and then running cross country I don't even know what to do with the free time I have. So as of now I'll slowly run through my problems until their all solved or at least out the way until I have the time to finalize them.

Ouch!

OH MY GOD!!!!!

So I've recently returned to running cross country. Today will be my 8th day of practice. I've ran in 2 school meets. One was on saturday another was yesterday. Overall I am making my way to being back in shape. At first I was terribly out of shape meaning I could barely finish a 800 m without gasping for air at the end. Now I'm able to run the full 3 mile course without stopping at race pace no less. 8 days really makes a difference don't it?

Before last wedsneday when I first joined Garfield Heights Cross Country team I hadn't ran a single lap since around January 2009 and even that was just for gym class. Running is a personal enjoyment of mine and I guess a passion in my limited life as of now. I try not to be very competitive or at least until I get back in complete shape.

My first meet on Saturday I was anxious. I didn't believe I could finish the whole course and I often stopped due to lack of air and aching muscles. The hills were killer and the hot sun was making sweat pool down to my feet. But I was able to finish the meet at 27:07, twenty seven minutes and seven seconds, which for a cross country meet was the WORST I ever did. I guess that tells you what sitting on the computer all day does to you don't it?

However, when monday came around, which was the hardest practice for us, I was doing SO much better. I was able to keep up with the team running our practice course, sprinting and all. I felt back in shape at least partially and I was not gasping for air or feeling a incredible urge saying LAY DOWN, stay down and DO NOT RUN AGAIN!!!! Lol, the voice in my head wasn't that extreme but you get the picture right? :)

So here comes wedsneday in which we ran at my old school, Maple Heights. I ran for their cross country team last year as well as Warrensville Heights who was also at the meet. This meet was pretty big and I was somewhat nervous. In the beginning my arm cramped on me and my throat was so dry. I felt I should just up and quit but during the race I didn't stop and walk once. I pushed myself to my limits and even out sprinted a kid from Heights in the 100m dash to the finish line.

My place was #69 8D, sure I didn't hit the top 30 like I wanted to but my place overall was pretty nice. I mean come on now? 69 is just epic. My time for the race was 23:31. Over all I dropped 3 mins and 24 seconds I think from my last race. That means I am really getting back in shape fast. Usually when you run you gotta condition and work yourself back inshape in order to really drop time such as 20 seconds or 40 seconds you know things like that. Maybe it was just me getting back into high gear and burning the limited amount of fat I had from laying around.

Now onto to the Ouch!, part of the blog. After running so hard after such a long break I've been getting blisters on my feet. The pain is sooooo bad but I'll deal.

Our next meet is a week away on a saturday. We won our last meet so lets hope we win this one coming up! I am dropping my time so LETS GO GARFIELD BULLDOGS!