My Life As It Is

So I decided to blog again today to help pass the time by. Right about now I want to clear the stress on my shoulders reguarding the thing we like to call life. It seems like all the troubles in my life are just hovering above me like a dark storm cloud, randomly shooting out streaks of lighting and letting loose cracks of thunder to aware me of it's ever existing presence in my life. It's like my sanity is slowly slipping away into nothing more but a ever present void.

Lately I've been wondering. Who exactly am I? I think in some areas and ways I've lost my own sense of self where often I become down and confused. I'm no longer the person I once was in certain ways I think I've changed and that in it's self scares me. Before I thought I found myself and I though I understood and knew what I wanted out of life but as the years go by things seem to change. I'm experiencing mental and physical changes where I don't think my mind cannot keep up. I've became taller and stronger thus finally entering my stage of manhood, certain things are more stiff and less flexible, other areas now have tons of hair when it was once smooth all around. Then I have my mind opening itself to things I've once rejected. Where as I once didn't like football now it intrigues me and compels me to want to play it. I'm opening myself to more opportunities that I once let slide by the only thing that hasn't changed much is my social life or at least I feel it hasn't.

Growing up I've aways tended to be bit of a loner. I do not know why but I feel uncomfortable in large social settings such as in school or during a sports meet. I'm able to chat with people I'm comfortable with but other then that I tend to go off to the side by myself and watch everything from a sideline point of view. There's plenty of moments where I've gone and thought, god I wish I could talk to that person. But there's just something inside of me that screams "no" and leaves me continuing to be a social outcast. To be truthful I don't think I'm a complete social reject since I do talk to those around me and have friends in my class mates and team mates. I just don't have a tight nit of friends. I guess I'm scared or nervous to go out and make new friends and start conversations with people I don't since I tend to over think things. I'll worry about being rude or I'll see the person and think "oh she looks upset or they look kinda testy right now." and with that being the case I'll move on and go about my way.

I think in more then one way I'm lonely. I'm not getting my complete fufillment in the relationships I have as of now. I don't feel I really have anyone that I can talk to anything about and be comfortable with it. I have friends sure but most of my good friends aren't really active in my life as of now. My friend Harold is across the state in college, my friend Deante is doing lord knows what preparing for the military, my friend Jocelyn is busy with her own life out in Akron, Te'Asia is still in Warrensville dealing with her new found boyfriend and school while Sam is out in Michigan working while in college and wondering if she really wants to marry the guy she's with. And while all my friends have something going for them I feel like I have nothing which in itself is sad to me.

Usually I try to keep things like this pent inside cause I feel like people really don't care and they have their own problems to worry about. I don't wanna just talk to someone and let this all out since this is my own burden and I'm pretty sure people feel this way time to time when dealing with their own life. Besides I'd find it awkward letting out this part of me that I just realized was there. I've been feeling like this for majority of my life and I've just now seen it for what it was and now attempting to confront it.

So moving on from the social life and relationship setting I have my family life which isn't going to smoothly. The relationship between me and my family members is kinda down and bleh right now. I seriously don't know how to describe it. My mother constantly criticize everything I do and attempts to put me down where at times I just want to get away. This being my senior I'm now looking at college's and deciding what do I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm interested in alot of things but I think I am eventually going to settle for getting a BSN(Bachelor of Science in Nursing) just so I can have a stable job once I graduate and be able to live out on my own. Right now I just wanna make sure I can get out of school with out needing to struggle to get by or depend on anyone.

I don't want to call home asking for money, I want to be able to completely fend for myself. But even if I did need to call home I doubt I'd receive the help I need. See there's also my brother and sister in the picture which complicates things. Me being the oldest I often tend to be pushed aside since I have the siblings growing up and needing things just as much. I try to limit what I ask for seeing as they will need throughout the year as well. To be able to play sports at my new school I find myself in the predictament of needing 175$. I was able to get 30$ from my mom but my dad is like a dry well. Everytime I ask for anything he says he doesn't have it which is odd since he works 24/7. Moving on you have my grandmother who is exactly the same as my father. The relationship between me and my grand mother is extremely strained. There's things I see in her that I just do not like.

When I look at her I see a bitter old black woman who isn't a grandmother at least not to me. I go through most of my years barely seeing her and she lives right around the corner from us city wise. I don't remember at time where my grandmother has said she loves me or any of my other siblings. You would think that as a person grows older they become more family orientated and look for love from their grandchildren and such but with her that is not the case. Or rather she's more family orientated with those from her direct bloodline. She does more for her brother and sisters and their children then she do for me and my own siblings.

If I was to put it in terms I wouldn't say I hate her cause I don't but I would say that I do dislike her in more ways then one. The same applies for my father and his sister but that'd be for another day to blog about. Right at this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to go out and confront everyone seeing as this will physically, emotionally and mentally drain me. Right now I have so many things going on with school work, figuring out my plans for college and then running cross country I don't even know what to do with the free time I have. So as of now I'll slowly run through my problems until their all solved or at least out the way until I have the time to finalize them.